Like
many great humorists, R. Smith has a distinctive, deadpan style. Here’s a piece
where his narrator, Richard Brown, tangles with a somewhat insulting circuit
court judge.
11 Terry Schrunk Plaza, Ste. 1
Portland, OR 97123
Case #9876, Traffic Citation
City of Portland vs. Richard Brown
Dear
Mr. Brown,
Since
we set up traffic surveillance cameras, one at the intersection of 52nd
Avenue and Woodstock Boulevard, the other on César E. Chávez Boulevard, on
March 28, 2014, we have captured the image of your vehicle three times; twice in
daylight. The cameras are activated by any violation of Portland’s traffic
code. The photograph copies are included herein:
1. In
photo #1 a vehicle registered to you, a white 1998 Mercury Marquis, is traveling
in violation of the Basic Rule, #1, 41 mph in a 25 mph zone. Driver is wearing
an unfashionable plaid sweater vest and has not shaven.
2.
In
image #2, same vehicle, operator has disregarded a red light in moderate
traffic and could easily have caused an accident. A cup raised to his lips,
violator is clean-shaven this time.
3.
Taken
late Saturday evening, the third photograph of the aforementioned Mercury
Marquis reveals an inoperative right-turn signal and failure of driver to
perform a substitute hand signal. Driver has hair heavily pomaded and is not
alone.
If
you acknowledge guilt please remit $540.00 in fines for combined violations in
envelope provided herein. Please do not send cash. Any exculpatory remarks may
be included with remittance.
If
you contest any of these violations I will hear your case at 10:45 AM, June 4,
2014, Suite A, #11 Terry Schrunk Plaza, Portland, OR 97123.
However,
even if you plan to contest accusations, you must pay fines now. If found not
guilty, proportionate refunds will be made at that time.
A copy
of this letter has been forwarded to your insurance provider, Farmers of
Oregon. A failure to pay fines or appear in court will result in a warrant for
your arrest.
Sincerely,
The
Honorable Marjory Breyer-Fulton
Circuit
Court Judge, City of Portland
Your
Honor,
The
first photo is of my nephew, Dewie, who was staying with me at the time waiting
to be inducted into the army. He was borrowing the car. I cannot verify this as
he is now in basic training at Ft. Hood, Texas.
In
the second photo, I am hurrying to the hospital to give support to an elderly
female relative who was experiencing a medical emergency. (She got toothpaste
in her eye.) I missed the red light.
I have
enclosed a receipt from Auto Parts World for a replacement bulb for my right
turn signal. I have made the repair.
I regret
any hazards I may have created for other motorists. I have been heartbroken and
“all thumbs” since I heard a rumor that the Dodgers are returning to Brooklyn.
Respectfully,
Richard Brown
The
city mailed a $15.00 refund from the $540.00 Richard Brown sent them.
